So i’ve been talking to this girl for about 2 weeks now. She came to the city from granville last week and we had a cute date that ended with us talking for hours at washington/madison square park. She’s very emotionally intelligent and down to earth but it’s still very early and we are still learning about each other. We already had our first conflict and resolved it nicely. We both noticed a change in the vibe a few days after we said we liked each other. Turns out we were both being less expressive because we both thought the other was losing interest which was not true at all. In the end we decided to be more vocal with our feelings and avoid making assumptions. 

This is exciting, i can’t wait to see what happens. 

Finding love is a lot like finding a job. You go to Linkedin or Indeed to look for the job that you want much like how you go on dating apps like Hinge or Coffee Meet Bagel to look for potential partners. If you pass the initial check, you move onto the interview stage where you meet in person to discuss your qualifications on your resume (or profile). If you pass the vibe check, then you move onto the next round of interviews (or dates) until they think you’re good enough and choose you. Congrats, you got finally got the job! (or girlfriend/boyfriend). 

It’s funny. The two things I want the most right now is a new job and a girlfriend. However, I’ve haven’t been doing well with obtaining either of those things. My job search process is basically nonexistent because I’m stuck in project hell; getting distracted by tons of side projects which I thought were good ideas, then abandon later on for something more exciting. This is probably how i deal with imposter syndrome, by procrastinating. Avoiding what I should be doing and making myself feel better for a while by doing what I like. 

Maybe the reason I’m failing at getting a job and a girlfriend is because I’m splitting my effort and doing a half ass job at obtaining them. Maybe I’ll have better luck if I focus on one thing at a time. I should concentrate on getting a job first because I don’t want my future girlfriend to be ashamed of being with someone who’s just a scribe. She deserves better. It gets lonely though when you’re working on yourself and trying to become a better person. The positive attitude and motivation is fleeting and it’s not easy to find it again without someone reminding you. Most of the time you just have to push through the doubt and anxiety to try and get things done. Ok so that’s what I’ll do. I got this. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. I don’t need it to be perfect, I just need to get it done. I’m Andy and I’m fucking awesome.

Weight 144.0 lbs, Skeletal Muscle 77.8 lbs, Body Fat 16.2%

it’s been a while since i last wrote. I figured i should update you on my life. Still working out and joined a gym like 4-5 months ago. I have some muscles now lol. The hardest part is eating the right things. I’ve been on a cut for 2 months now, watching my calorie intake and trying to keep it under 2000 a day. I’m basically hungry all the time and I hate it. I am losing weight though. I lost like 3 lbs in 2 months. That’s pretty good right? I’m trying to lose fat while maintaining my muscle mass so i still have to eat enough protein everyday which is not easy. All i eat is chicken and milk. I’m like 20% fat right now and I’m trying to get to 15%.

I’ve gone on a few dates with some boring ass girls. It’s like pulling teeth trying to keep the conversation alive. I don’t know if that’s just their personality or if they are not interested in me but either way I didn’t not want to see them again lol. There was this one girl that I did have good conversations with but she’s like too nice and I kinda like a bad girl. I dunno, i just didn’t feel it with her. I hate dating so much. I’m emotionally exhausted saying the same shit to a bunch of girls that end up ghosting me or i ghost them because they are sooooooo boring. I’m gonna try to stay positive and trust the process. 

I seriously need to work on applying to data analyst jobs. It’s still what I really want to do but I haven’t been as motivated as I used to. I keep getting distracted by my side projects which I never end up completing. I got this though. Nicole is back from maternity leave and I have more time now. I gotta get hungry for it. 

Boston is such a college town. Harvard, MIT, Boston University, Boston College, Tufts University. I see a lot of young college kids around doing work on their laptops at cafes and library. I definitely feel old and useless because I’m so behind on my career. I’m at the Boston Public Library trying to work on my cover letter but I’m very unmotivated. I feel like there’s no point because the job market is trash and there are tons of tech layoffs at the moment. I could also work on my data project with SQL but when I work on it I feel like I’m not progressing with my job search and it’s kind of a vicious cycle. My mind is all over the place and very disorganized….ok let’s fix that maybe. 

Let’s look at what is in front of me and what is important. Let’s keep an open mind and a positive attitude. I am Andy Guo and I can do anything; everything is easy if I just focus on the task and stop being a piece of shit. So the objective is to get a job as a data analyst. I have a solid portfolio showcasing some of my work. Of course it could be better if I work on my SQL project but I need to have a general all purpose cover letter to use for any job I apply to. I haven’t applied to many jobs because I keep trying to personalized each cover letter to the company I apply for but that is not practical if I’m going to apply to a million places. I also need to not be so picky. I can start applying for jobs in New York first but when that is exhausted, I should move on to other states maybe. Ok so I’ll work on my cover letter right now. I want to have all the components I need to readily apply to any job that comes up. 

ok lets get it, i’m hungry

I feel lost and I don’t know what I’m doing. Still working out and eating what I’m suppose to but in terms of finding a job, I haven’t really done much. I’m not going to lie, working out and eating healthy consumes a lot of time and at the end of the day I don’t seem to have enough time to work on finding a job. But I digress, If I want it enough, I can get it. I don’t like making excuses and I believe that I can do anything if I put enough effort into it. Some things that make finding a job difficulty is writing a cover letter and I think I’m too picky when I’m looking for jobs. Like I want a job in NY where I can work remotely or not drive too far. But I’m starting to think that maybe I should not be so picky. I’ve never been a data analyst before and I should just get a job first. I can be picky when I look for my next job. 

I’ve been trying to stick to my workout routine. I’m lifting weights, running, and trying to eat the right things. I initially lost 10 lbs but then I switched my focus to building muscle which requires eating significantly more calories daily. Since then I’m not sure if anything changed. I seem to be gaining all my weight back but I’m hoping it’s all muscle and not fat. Even though I don’t know if it’s working I’m going to keep going and trust the process. I need to remember that some days will be bad, some days will be ok, and some days will be great. 

I’ve been putting off applying for data analyst jobs and I’m not really sure why. I think part of it is that I’m afraid of finding out that I’m not good enough and that I’ve wasted hours studying for nothing. I know I shouldn’t think that but it’s been a lonely journey. No one really helps me and no one really encourages me. I guess I’m here to cheer myself on and to remind myself to not be so hard on myself. Enjoy the journey and don’t focus on the destination. As long as I’m making progress, it doesn’t have to be perfect. You might be surprised by what you can accomplish if you just try.

Be a good person, be happy, you are enough.

I’m starting to understand what they mean by being in the moment and enjoying the present. I often spend too much time obsessing about the past or worrying about the future, both of which take away from enjoying what’s in front of me. I’m starting to understand that maybe it’s ok if I go through life alone, I just have to make sure that I enjoy it. 

I’m grateful for my family who are alive and healthy. I’m grateful I have a job to make money to comfortably buy the things that I want. I’m grateful for having functional legs to exercise with because I started running and I actually enjoy it a lot. I’m doing the C25K right now where I run 1.5 mins, rest 2 mins, repeat 6 times. It’s nice being able to run without running out of breath. I was running late for the train today but I ran there and made it on time. I don’t think I could have done that before; if I did I would be gasping for air. I’m walking a lot more confident, standing up taller, keeping my chin up. Life is not bad right now. 

They say that people usually fall in love 3 times in their life. Our first love is suppose to naive and young. It’s the stereotypic fairy tale love that we see in rom coms. We change ourselves to meet the needs of the other and to do what we are supposed to do instead of doing what we actually want to do. The second love is the one that hurts. It’s full of lies, betrayal, and tears but it’s supposed to make you a better person. You learn to love yourself and about who you are. The third love is the one that lasts. It’s a feeling that’s hard to explain and everything you thought you knew/wanted goes out the window because this person is better than anything you dreamed of.

Crystal is my third love. She is so perfect in so many ways. She pushes me to become a better person, to confront my problems instead of avoiding them. She teaches me how to talk like white people and phrase my words in a way that’s most beneficial. The part I like the most is that she always gives advice as a suggestion rather than an ultimatum. I don’t feel pressured to do what she wants and I know that she has my best interest at heart. She cares about me which is a strange feeling that I’ve missed. She knows what I want before I even know I want it. I wanted to get a new card holder for a long time because I don’t like the structure of my old card holder, but I’ve been putting it off for like 2 years? Guess what? we got card holders this week. How did she know? I also wanted mcdonalds a lot which she lets me get but not too much so sometimes she will say no. I really appreciate that in a weird way because I know she cares about my health. ugh I’m falling so hard for this girl but she doesn’t want to put labels on our relationship. But I’m ok with it because I just want her in my life. We’re almost at Penn station so I gotta stop writing. She’s sitting right next to me and about to wake up. Every time I look at her, I just can’t get over how amazing and beautiful she is. She doesn’t think she will be a good girlfriend or whatever, but she is wrong and I wish I could show her what she means to me because I don’t think words can describe it.

She plays piano like really really well. She is good with tech and knew not to click the first Google search link that is an ad. God she is so awesome

I think I’m falling for her and I’m at the point where it will hurt if I lose her. I wish she would accept me. She clearly likes me and we’re happy when we’re together, but there is something holding her back from committing completely. If she isn’t sure now, will she ever be? I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to beg for someone to like me again. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t want every happy moment to be overshadowed by the fact that she’s just testing me. Do I tell her everything I’m thinking about? I’m afraid to because I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to appear weak. I’m so fucked up, why would anyone want to deal with this. Maybe I should let her go, I don’t want to ruin her life. She can definitely do better than me. 

I need to take a moment to come back to reality and reflect on what’s been going on with my life. It’s been a crazy week and one that I’m sure I’ll remember for a long time. 

I never thought I was particularly good looking or talented, I’m not super muscular or rich. But all that changed after I met Crystal. Well, I’m not super muscular or rich yet but I’m working on it. She makes me feel invincible, she understands me, she cares about me. I’ve been spending time with her in Princeton, NJ this week. We’ve been living in a hotel together, working, eating dinner, other stuff. She plans everything, she gets me breakfast and dinner, she checks in on me to make sure I’m ok, she’s keeps it real which I really appreciate because she wants to be as efficient as possible but also because she’s a big softie on the inside. I feel like I died and went to heaven. Is any of this real? 

I like her but she doesn’t know if she likes me (although her actions say otherwise). I’m afraid to get hurt but I don’t want to hold my feelings and pretend to be something I’m not. I’m happy right now and I’m just going to enjoy it. I may view myself a certain way but she could see me in a completely different light so I should stop thinking “I’m not good enough” or “She won’t like me if I don’t do this.” If someone likes you, they like you for all of you and none of that shit should matter. Thanks Crystal, for showing me who you are and for bringing out a side of me that I thought I lost.