I feel like I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I’m always worried about being old with a shitty career and being old and alone. I’m worried about getting too old and missing out on the best parts of life. My mind is filled with these thoughts and I don’t even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I can’t remember the last time I took a vacation to somewhere nice. I feel like I’ve been wasting my whole life working hard for nothing. I’m still a piece of shit. I think people who are nice and dumb or mean and smart live the best life and are happy. People who are mean and dumb probably live a pretty nice life too. But people who are nice and smart have the hardest life. That’s kinda sad.
Well I’ve been working on my case study for about 2 weeks now and I made a little bit of progress. I want to finish it this weekend so I can finally get this certificate. I know I have a lot more work to do after I get it and I’m kinda worried about it because I don’t really know what to do. I do know that I have to keep going and at least try because the worst thing I can do is nothing. Life was more structured when I was younger. You go to school, get good grades, graduate, get a good job, make money, the end. It becomes less structured the older you get, there’s no direct road to get to what I want. Anyway, I wasted enough time dicking around. Better get started on my case study if I want to finish it.