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Please don’t ever forget that Samantha Lee is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Especially in 2 years, especially when she’s mad at your or you’re mad at her.

Hey!

It’s been a while, I hope all is well. Are you a professor yet? lol.
It is currently November 10, 2014, 7:12AM on a Monday as I write this letter to you. wow, It’s been so long I don’t even remember how to talk to you. That’s actually why I wanted to encapsulate my thoughts in this letter. Don’t worry, I’ll keep good-natured as I know my previous writing might have been dark or pointless.
Anyway, it’s been about a year now and I can definitely say, without a doubt in my mind, that it has been the most eventful year I’ve ever had. I use to be a timid, lazy, useless kid but now I would like to think that I’m a confident, knowledge-seeking adult. I use to say “I don’t know” to everything, but now I pride myself on always knowing the answer.

I just wrote a lot of stuff but delet

I’ve spent the last few months thinking, missing, trying to make sense of what happened. I know you, and everyone else in the world don’t care, it’s just another break up and it happens all the time. There are 2 things that I am certain of, I was genuinely hurt and there definitely a need to separate. We weren’t even together anymore prior to breaking up, we were so comfortable with each other and I think we were more best friends than a couple. I was so lazy and caught up with myself that I didn’t realized how distant we became. I guess it was my fault all along. I can’t even begin to describe how much it hurt when you starting seeing someone else. I hope you never have to experience that feeling, it just really…i don’t know any other word to describe it except hurt. I guess what I wanted was closure but you were so quick to get rid of me that I didn’t even really get a chance to properly say goodbye. I just wanted all the good that I did to culminate into a single moment where you would give me the benefit of the doubt, ignore what you wanted and comfort me one last time, helping me move on sooner. I guess that’s really the point of this letter. It’s the unofficial closure that I desperately needed encapsulated in these words.
I’ve spent so much time chasing girls, getting drunk, doing all kinds of ridiculous things to find happiness. A few weeks ago, for the first time in a long time, I finally felt happiness. It was weird, I don’t know know what it was, nothing significant happened, I was just happy. I think it might be because I’m starting to forget about you. thats what inspired me to write this. I know that in a few more months I’ll be completely over you and I just wanted to jot down my feelings about it before they disappear.
I’m so happy with the person I’m becoming, and I honestly have only you to thank for that. It’s unfortunate that you won’t be be able to see the significant impact you’ve made on my life. It’s a side of me that you never saw, that I never knew I had. You don’t know how high I can fly, especially when things are at it’s worst. I only wish that I could have been more useful, that I could have instilled some good qualities in you when we were together. After all, thats what a relationship really is and thats one of the reasons we aren’t together.
I’m going to be a doctor. I use to make fun of you for wanting to be a professor and told you it was stupid but I take that all back because I understand how you feel now. I have been working with so many doctors, some stupid and some who are are just too good. I’ve seen them revive babies and stitch fingers back together, I’m just so inspired to become a physician, I don’t care how hard it is. I realize that I would have to make some characteristic changes if I wanted to become a doctor. So I started throwing myself into situations where a leader was needed, learning everything I can about everything so that I’ll never stumble when a problem presents itself. I promised myself that nothing will ever be confusing again, that nothing is too hard, I will always have the answer to everything, and I will never make a mistake twice.
I know now that I don’t need someone to make me happy. Although I miss being in love, I know that it can’t be forced and it will come to me so I don’t have to go looking for it. I  can’t change how I look, I can’t change who likes me, but I can change how I treat people.
You’ve been a bigger part of my life than you’ll ever know and you’ll always have a special place in my heart.

I thought I kicked it but it’s still there. I still miss her.

Sometimes I’m scared to go to sleep because I don’t have control over what I dream about. I’m not afraid of a lot of things, but more often than I want, I dream about the one thing scares me the most. Oddly enough, it’s also the one thing I wish I never wake up from. 

It’s almost a year now, there’s got to be something wrong with me. I always thought I was sane and healthy but I’m pretty sure that I have a mental disorder. Maybe I have severe OCD, I never got that closure I needed, that last note of a scale played. Angel was good enough to me where she allowed me to see her. She came to me actually, went out of her way to visit me months later. I fought for her, but she was good about it. She sat me down and with the most gentle voice she explained her feelings concisely, making sure I understood her feelings. I knew then that it was over. I didn’t like it, and thinking back about it now, I think it was necessary for me to move on. I think I need that, but there is no way I’ll get what I need even though we are literally 1 street away from each other during the weekday.

we get hurt, we learn, we grow up. but i don’t want to feel hurt anymore or grow up.

we’re all addicted to something that takes the pain away. I think there’s something wrong with me. I can’t shake it. It’s been months and it still lingers. This is not normal and I know what I have to do. I’ve convinced myself that I don’t deserve to be happy and that I should only do what I am suppose to regardless of what I want.

i have to numb myself so that her memories don’t haunt me anymore, distract myself by doing things I should do because I know that if there is a single moment where I’m not doing anything, I’ll end up thinking about how alone and insecure i am. How useless i am

-When things get hard, I always think about how nothing will ever be as hard as getting hurt by her.

Sometimes I think my life is too hard. too much to do, too many friends. holy shit.

I think i’ve been going a little crazy. chasing girls too hard and pretending i’m cooler than I actually am. Since I started my job I haven’t been doing anything to benefit my career. Sure the experience of working is great and all. I’m learning a ton of things but there are other components of my life that I should be working on as well. Am I doing a lot of things? I’ve been trying to eat better and exercise more. What I really want to work on next are my grades for school. I’m taking biochem in the fall and it’s definitely going to be hard, especially while I’m working. I should be getting ahead start on studying. Working out the mind as well as the body. Really though, this is just a pep talk for myself. I don’t really have anyone to give me one and getting one really does make a difference, at least for me. So here is to me, to stay focused, be humble, always do the right thing, don’t get too caught up with girls, save money, and to always use my time wisely.