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Andy, maybe if I talk to you as if you’re another person you’ll listen. You’ve always been better at giving advice than listening to it anyway. You need to snap out of this depression bullshit and start living up to your potential. Stop feeling sorry for yourself everyday and do what you have to do. Stop thinking about the past and start thinking about your future. This breakup happened because you need to learn how to love yourself. You’ve been so caught up with making other people happy that you don’t even know how to make yourself happy. This is your opportunity to make yourself even better and to rediscover who Andy Guo truly is. It will get lonely, but who cares. It’s ok to be lonely. You’re a genuinely good person and you should never forget that. It’s a quality that’s rare to find these days and it will attract many people to you. That’s why you should never worry about being lonely. Be strong, be brave, be a little reckless. Stop overthinking things and just do it. You want to make this a good story to tell your kids some day. You don’t want the story to be “one time I was heartbroken and depressed. the end.” No, you’re better than that and you know you are. You’ve done it before and you can do it again. Just try to make progress everyday. Force yourself to do what you need to do and everything will become much easier.

I’m broken and I don’t know who I am anymore. My whole life I’ve never been so alone and so lost before. I use to know exactly what I wanted to do and so confident that I could do it, but now I don’t even know what I’m doing from day to day. It’s been about a year since my break up and I don’t know why I can’t shake this feeling. I just want to get better, I wish I had someone I can talk to about this but I keep it to myself because I don’t want to bother anyone. I’m just so tired of suppressing my heartache and pretending to be happy. I keep holding on, hoping that things will get better. At this point I’m not sure it will, but we will see. I have to get ready for work now which I hate so much.

I’m tired of being a piece of shit. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and doing the same thing everyday. I want to become better. I want to channel my pain into something more productive. I hope that writing this here will help me remember what I want to be.

• Have a stronger mind than heart
• Thought or fact?
• Get shit done and stop ignoring it
• Stay focused, remember your goals everyday
• Nothing is hard, nothing will ever hurt as much

Moved to peachtaco.wordpress.com

 Last night, for a moment, I forgot what you looked like. Then my body started to shake and I started to tear up. I had to force myself to stop thinking about you. This happens to me almost every night and the sad part is that I don’t want to forget about you. I don’t want to forget about all the happy times and hard times we’ve been through together. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you basically the first day I met you. I had a whole plan in place where I would first help you regain your confidence. The truth is, I never yelled at you and if it seemed that way, I’m sorry. I was frustrated because you didn’t listen to me, but now I know that I could have done a better job listening to you too. I never wanted to control you or change who you are, I just wanted to help you become the best version of yourself. My plan fell apart when you stopped loving me. I didn’t know why and I spent all my time and energy trying to win you back for 2 years. I had pictured our life together and worked so hard to give you everything you needed. There wasn’t a single moment that I thought about myself because I always wanted you to have the best of everything. That’s why it hurts so much when you left me, I felt like a useless toy that you threw away and replaced with a better toy. I kept the changes I made before we broke up, they weren’t temporary like you thought. But now I don’t have anyone to cook for. I remember one time for breakfast, I made you purple rice congee with 4 side dishes. I was especially proud of that meal because I made almost everything from scratch and I could see how much progress I made since the beginning of the year when I didn’t know how to cook anything. I don’t think you cared too much about it because you didn’t love me anymore. I want you to remember that meal though because that’s what love is. It was one of the first things I cooked for you in Rochester and one of the first things I said to you on the phone. I never cooked anything like that for anyone ever before and it was my “exploding box” gift for you. 

I need to become the best version of myself. For starters, I’m going to try and write more because I feel like I’m retarded when I try to write something. I want to get into a routine of doing things and fill up my downtime with things to do so that I don’t have time to think about how alone I am. Basically, I need to go back to when I was in Columbia 5 years ago. I will purposely choose to do more work and change my mentality to finish things I have to do as soon as I can. Nothing is too hard for me. Nothing can be harder than what I went through. 

I think somewhere along the relationship, I forgot who I was. I started to do everything for her and slowly forgot to do the things that made me happy. Things like writing in this blog. It’s been so long that I don’t even know how to write anymore. I feel like my writing has gotten a lot worse. Thats one thing I want to work on. I want to write better and not spend so much time thinking about what to write. I often spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to find the perfect words to make the perfect sentence. I’m done feeling sorry for myself and I’m done being a pathetic piece of shit that she made me into. I am better than that. I use to be so fucking awesome before and I want to be that person again. I’m going to learn to love myself and find the person I was 5 years ago. I am more amazing than I think I am.

i miss her and all i want to do is see her. i wish i didn’t feel like this.

Tonight I had a long talk with my honey. She was talking to her mom on the phone who didn’t approve of her searching for a job in NYC. I know it’s really tough for her, trying to succeed in life and become independent without the support of her family. I did my best to reassure her that everything is going to be alright even though I kinda have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying my best honey, I’m going to do everything I can to prove your parents wrong and start the life we always dreamed of. I hope you believe in me, it would be really tough without your support. I’m happy I could make you smile after tucking you into bed so that I could “quickly” go over my resume. I love you Samantha Lee, forever and always.

-A

Sam wanted to talk to me before she went to sleep tonight. I was reading an article to help her with her homework and needed a few minutes to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I came back 11 minutes later and she didn’t answer me. I assume she fell asleep. Even though it was kinda lame that she interrupted my work and I got ready for nothing, it melts my heart knowing she wanted to hear my voice before sleeping despite how tired she is. She’s never been in a relationship before and it’s very cute watching her try. She has so much work to do, she needs to sleep…I do too