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I met a girl 4 days ago, her name is Crystal. I’ve never met anyone like her before. The way she sees the world, her confidence, her sass, the way she makes me feel understood. I thought I had an idea of the kind of person I was looking for but now I’m not so sure. I didn’t know someone like her could exist. I was trying not to get so attached but I think it’s too late. I think I’m too worried about if she will like me, but that shouldn’t matter right? I should be myself and not someone that I think she will like. Yes that is what I should do. Wow I’m so good at giving advice. She gave me her scarf and helped me put it on….ugh I’m dead wtf. holy shit i’m in so much trouble.

Things to remember to keep yourself on track:

• There will be a million things to do but don’t get stuck trying to finish everything at once. It’s better to focus on 1 thing and complete it before moving on to the next thing.
• Don’t compare yourself to others. You’re on your own journey and every journey is different.
• When you don’t know what to do, just try to do something…anything. The worst thing to do is nothing. 
• Don’t give up. When you can’t figure something out, when you feel really defeated, that’s when you have to keep going. 
• Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is when you’re scared but you keep going anyway. 
• Dream as if you’ll never fail. Remember your dream of working at Google. When you’re looking out the window in that high skyrise building, you know you’ve made it. 

I was walking to the library and started having a panic attack. I was thinking about how I’m not good enough. I took deep breathes under my mask and felt better after a while. No one knew. I have to work harder. 

I feel like I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I’m always worried about being old with a shitty career and being old and alone. I’m worried about getting too old and missing out on the best parts of life. My mind is filled with these thoughts and I don’t even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I can’t remember the last time I took a vacation to somewhere nice. I feel like I’ve been wasting my whole life working hard for nothing. I’m still a piece of shit. I think people who are nice and dumb or mean and smart live the best life and are happy. People who are mean and dumb probably live a pretty nice life too. But people who are nice and smart have the hardest life. That’s kinda sad. 

Well I’ve been working on my case study for about 2 weeks now and I made a little bit of progress. I want to finish it this weekend so I can finally get this certificate. I know I have a lot more work to do after I get it and I’m kinda worried about it because I don’t really know what to do. I do know that I have to keep going and at least try because the worst thing I can do is nothing. Life was more structured when I was younger. You go to school, get good grades, graduate, get a good job, make money, the end. It becomes less structured the older you get, there’s no direct road to get to what I want. Anyway, I wasted enough time dicking around. Better get started on my case study if I want to finish it. 

This case study is the last thing I have to do to get my DA certificate but it’s kinda hard. I keep getting distracted by things I don’t know and then go down a rabbit whole into trying to figure it out but end up spending a shit load of time figuring out something that makes 0 progress in my case study. I still can’t help but feel like I don’t know anything and I don’t know if I ever will because there’s so much shit I don’t know. I’m just going to ignore it and focus on what is in front of me because I don’t really got shit else to do. I have a routine and I’m going to stay consistent with it but it’s starting to feel like I’m doing the same shit without making any progress and I’m getting really disheartened. Maybe I’m not working hard enough and I should push myself more. 

It’s July 4th weekend and the library is closed so I’m at Brookfield Place right now trying to get work done. This place is really nice and I’m glad I could find a spot with an outlet in the food court. I’m on my last course for my data analytics certificate. I have to find case study to work on and as I research how to do things, I begin to realize how extensive and complicated everything is. I thought I was doing well and had a good understanding on the topics I learned but no, I don’t know shit and I’m starting to doubt myself again. Even though I’m stupid, I’m just going to keep trying because the alternative is giving up and being a piece of shit forever. I’d rather be a stupid tryer than a useless piece of shit. I learned that a good way to overcome imposter syndrome is to keep going. As long as you’re doing something and taking steps towards accomplishing your goal, you’ll be ok. Because the worst thing you can do when you have imposter syndrome is overthink and not make any moves. 

I’m also trying to focus on the positive aspects in my life. Compared to what I was a year ago, I think I’ve come a long way. I’m about to finish my data analytics certificate and I know how to code (sort of). I learned SQL, Python, and this week I just learned R. 3 programming languages, not bad right? I’m sleeping a lot better and eating a lot less take out. I’ve been making overnight oats and leftover bento boxes for lunch at work. I also started a skincare routine which I’ve been consistent with every night. I’ve also been trying to be nicer to my mom and do things for her while I can because in the future, I don’t want to be like “I wish I was more this, or I wish I did that for my mom.” I think I’m doing a good job. I still get pretty sad sometimes because I hate being alone. I feel sad for myself because I genuinely try to help everyone I can and to always do the right thing, but somehow I messed up and I’m all alone. I’m doing my best to ignore it and focus on what I’m suppose to do. I’m trying to prioritize growth over company; becoming a better person can be lonely sometimes because hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. 

Shawn Murphy